Soccer Fathers: How are we to be there for our Daughters?

by Mike Scheel

I understand why we fathers get so upset at officials, referees, and at times, coaches when we watch our daughters from the stands. It is all about the Circle of Life. I think it is about something from way back inherited from when we were cavemen. It is something deep down about our role as fathers. We are there to protect our family, and to especially protect our daughters. We know that, but the world of our daughters just doesn’t seem to have gotten that memo. The problem is that our daughters no longer buy into this premise of us being their protectors. They see themselves as perfectly able to take care of themselves. And they have proven this time and time again on the athletic field and in the classroom. We fathers have had to reluctantly admit that our daughters are going to be just fine without need of our protection. And hence, we have no role as we sit up there helplessly in the stands observing our daughters as they deal with life, the defeats, the victories, and the bad calls. By the way, all calls that go against our daughters are bad calls, and all in their favor are surely justified.

I also know why every opponent that plays against our daughters’ team is the hated villain. The Lincoln Southeasts and Southwests are the Darth Vaders. Sure, many of them were teammates to our daughters and we rooted for them when they were younger and on the same teams. But, these other girls have gone over to the Darkside. Our Lincoln East girls are the ‘Force’ (of life), the ‘Human Beings’ as Little Big Man said. And the other teams, especially Southeast and Southwest, are the Evil Empire. We fathers know how to recognize our enemies, and we know how to protect and fight for our little girl. The only problem is that our girl (and her mother) tell us there is no need to fight for them, because they do their own fighting now, and do it very well.

We bark when our daughters are pushed in the back or kneed in the stomach. We wince when they fight to win a ball with a header contested by another opponent’s head. We do this instinctively because this is what we have always done. Yet, before, we were able to ‘spot’ our daughters like gymnastics coaches, so that if they tripped we were there to catch them. They would never get hurt under our watchful eye. We would let them take those first steps down the staircase knowing that it was important for them to learn, to strive for independence. But, we did not realize that this independence won would lead to this. This, being the situation of having to a look helplessly on as they absorb the punishment from a kick in the shin or the pain from a hard-fought defeat. We are ecstatic when they then dish it out to the hated opponent. And of course this is justified. And, we also share their joy when they are victorious, even though we have to admit that they did it without us.

We go home and look at pictures of our daughters as young children in ponytails and as beautiful women in prom dresses. So cute then, so beautiful now. We realize the progression of time, that they are no longer little girls needing our protection. We are so proud of them as they have grown into women and know that we no longer protect them. They have learned to do that themselves. And we are proud of that. Yet, we come back to the dilemma of ‘what is our role to be now?’ So we bark at referees, embarrass through our jeers of the other team. And after the game is over, we attempt to re-hash with our daughters to give them that extra bit of advice that will surely give them the edge when the battle ensues again on the soccer field. Of course, our daughters have trained us well, so that we know to not provide such sage advice openly and directly. Instead, we try to sneak it into brief conversations about the game. But to no avail, our daughters are wise to us, and again they give us the message that they do not need such advice, especially from one who still has not figured out offsides!

So how is a father to act? What part does he play as he comes to cheer on his daughter and her team. Hopefully we do not embarrass them too much, and hopefully they understand. And they seem able to see inside us to understand that we are their fathers. We love them, and we are only trying to be what we have always been. Time moves forward, and change is hard for fathers. Our daughters are growing up, and we are so proud and we love them so much. But it also hurts just a little to know that maybe they don’t need us to protect them any longer.